In many ways, I’ve grown and improved since starting this postpartum mental health journey. But I still get stuck. I’m still dealing with a lot of stress. (Aren’t we all?) One of the ways I get out of a negative mental zone is through dance. For me, dance isn’t just fun and energizing – it is a spiritual language that I use to connect with my loving Creator. It gets me out of my own head and helps me connect to my Higher Power. I was inspired to write a spoken word piece (this is a new thing for me!) and created a video of spontaneous dance movement to go along with it. I’m being scarily open by posting it publicly, as it isn’t anything choreographed or even all that coordinated! But I hope it can be an encouragement to others, as I know I’m not the only one dealing with trials or feeling pushed down into a frightening, dark place.
Like seeds in the soil, let’s reach for the light and grow! Thanks for watching (and for not judging my simplistic attempt at putting my feelings to words and motion!)
Summer is being swept away by fall leaves. I’ve been told it was a time of refreshing, but I feel spent. Like looking through broken glass at a distorted picture of what I think my life really should be. Is this really me? Financial woes, marriage trials and high anxiety?
So I dance.
It soothes my soul, my body speaking louder than the worries in my head. I dance to set fire to a passion for something greater instead. These insignificant kingdoms I’ve built for myself won’t matter in the end. My home, my work, my pride – letting go is how I’ll mend.
I dance through physical pain, and the mental strain – of not knowing what’s wrong but hoping it will all be okay.
I dance in the pit, in the dark, in a lonesome low. Yet I know – I know – this is not where I’ll stay. It’s temporary. I think of my garden back in May. From seeds in the soil, from blossoms on a tree, came an apple bounty, carrots, beets and giant zucchini. There is fruit in me.
I am wanting. I want to have hope. I want to believe. I want to have my Higher Power set me free. It’s there. It’s available. But I can’t seem to get beyond the wanting.
Healing. Victory. Breakthrough. All words tossed around like you can just snatch them from the air and manifest them to be there, for you, right now! But I don’t know how…
So I dance.
I let the fabric swirl, the colours expressing raw emotion to the God who made and hears my heart. Call it a performance, an expression or an art. But all it is, is me, authentically. Me and Him. My spirit resting from the situational and reaching for the Eternal.
There is life in this state. A supernatural power emanating from the simple willingness to have faith. It’s rest in motion, refreshing coming from an ocean so vast that I can’t escape the pull from Love’s tide. I am His and He is mine.
I dance out regret. I dance out mistakes. I dance out anger, stress and heartaches. I dance to relive my greatest joys and reclaim my secret dreams. To see further than I’ve ever seen. I’m a mother, a dancer, a lover laid low, seeking to catch a glimpse of where from here I should go.
And here I’ll stay, in the dance, despite the day-to-day, my own broken ways, and the challenges I face. This is my time. This is my place. In this new season, I will find Your grace.
I receive Your rain.
It means a lot to me when you comment with your feedback. It helps me know you were here. If you like my more creative writing and want to see my humorous side, see my “Mommy’s Brush Your Teeth Song” post. Thanks for reading!