I’m guessing this isn’t the first “Things they don’t tell you about childbirth” type posts that you’ve read. But maybe you haven’t read a list written by a mom who tore so badly with her first baby, that it took three months before she could even sit upright and drive herself anywhere. (Thanks, oldest daughter! I still love you, even though my vagina will never be the same).
First-time pregnant moms – prepare to be triggered. Seasoned moms – I hope you enjoy my dark sense of humour.
Can you think of any other points I’m missing? Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

1) Your Birth Plan is a Sham
Did your birth coach tell you to write out in loving detail how you’d like your child’s birthing day to go? The purpose of this is to distract you in the weeks leading up to your labour. It gives you a semblance of order and lessens your anxiety for the big day (or night, most likely night).
If you are dead set on it happening just the way you picture, you’ll be disappointed. And beware: the hormonal deluge known as the “Day 2 Baby Blues” will hit you hard enough that you won’t want another thing to add to the list of “things that make you feel uncharacteristically miserable right now.”
Here’s my best tip: Pick a couple of top items that you REALLY want (or need) to see happen. Then let the rest go. Eg: You really want to try for a natural labour. Or you really want certain people to be there (or not be there). And then prepare for it to not work out like you are hoping. For example: With my second labour, I was not planning for my father to watch me give birth on my living room floor. But everyone came through the ordeal and my boy was healthy and happy!

For labouring with BabyThree, there are three main things I’m aiming for:
- For grandparents to be able to watch our two other children,
- To avoid giving birth on the highway while driving into the city, and
- For my baby and me to be alive and healthy when it’s all said and done.
That’s it. Everything else is up in the air and will settle out one way or another.
2) You’ll only use about two things from that birth bag you pack.
Please don’t make your spouse feel like a pack animal, dragging your mountain of stuff into the hospital or birthing centre. Remember, you have to pack it all up to take back home too. That special essential oil blend, that back massager thingie, or those inspirational books won’t get touched.
You know what you will want? Your cellphone charger and your favourite lip balm. And you’ll probably forget them at home. Tip: buy backups and go put them in your car right away.
3) You will poop during labour.
There’s no avoiding it: Poop. Number 2. Crap. Shit. Call it what you want, it is going to come out of your body. But don’t worry, the nurse or midwife will just wipe it away without saying a thing. And when you ask afterwards if you pooped, they’ll just say something vague like “Oh not really. Don’t worry about it,” or “It just sometimes happens.” No, it usually happens. You pooped. It’s all part of “bearing down.” Move on.
4) Giving birth hurts, regardless.

I have heard from well-meaning women that their labour “really wasn’t as bad as they thought.” Oh, it was. They’ve just forgotten, or they’re lying to make others feel better. Short of supernatural, divine grace, you are going to feel pain during this process regardless of what interventions you choose. But you’ll come through it!
I’ve done two, natural (non-medicated) births. One was about nine hours of labour and delivery, the other only two hours including mild contractions. But they both reached a pain point like nothing else in my life I have ever experienced.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are things that hurt more than giving birth. Like having open heart surgery without general anesthesia. Or getting a limb hacked off with a dull axe.
If you are determined to go through birthing as naturally as possible, I’m here to tell you that you are capable. Because you’re not just birthing a baby, you are transforming into a fierce momma bear!

But if you end up needing an epidural or a c-section, that’s cool too. Praise God we have so many options! It will still be hard, with painful parts. The healing will still take time. But most of all, you’ll still be a badass with a birthing story worth sharing in all its beautiful, savage detail.
5) You’re not done when the baby comes out.
Ahh, you did it! They place your beautiful babe on your chest. He or she is perfect. You’re in love. Then the contractions start up again. What? Oh yea, the placenta. It needs to come out too.
Delivering the placenta can be quite painful if you’re doing it unmedicated. In my case, I bled excessively with my first two labours during this stage, and both times the care providers had to press hard on my abdomen to help with clotting and get the placenta all out. Believe it or not, that hurt even more than my babies coming through. Both times my body went into shock and I thought I was going to die.
But I didn’t die. In fact I’m prepping to do it for the third time.

By the way, don’t be so quick to say goodbye to that bloody, stinking, temporary organ. Benefits of the mother consuming the placenta in the weeks following labour can include: a restoration of iron levels, increase in milk production and a decrease in postpartum depression symptoms. Don’t worry, you won’t need to grind it up into placenta burgers to reap the benefits. Shop around for someone who can professionally wash, dry and encapsulate your placenta for you (aka turn them into a supplement-like pill). Don’t write it off as a weird hippy mom thing! I saw a positive difference with my second child: my body seemed to absorb the iron in the placenta pills much more easily than iron supplements.
6) Save those postpartum panties. They are your new BFF.
The Grandma Ginch. Nanny Knickers. Those stretchy, white, giant panties they give you after delivering are bloody freaking amazing! Keyword “bloody” – because the point of postpartum panties is to save your regular underwear from becoming a mess in the hours or days after giving birth, when you are still wearing heavy pads and your lady parts are a swollen, throbbing, unrecognizable mass that is somehow still attached to your body.
Even if the nurse calls them “disposable,” keep those gems. Ask for extras. Take them home and wash them. Gently roll them up and place them in a pre-emptive spot in your undies drawer.
They will come in handy on your heaviest period days, or when all the rest of your underwear fail you in the final weeks of a future pregnancy. Plus they make the best deterrent when you’re not in the mood but your spouse is giving you those hungry eyes.
7) You’ll still be wearing maternity wear after you give birth.
Your body takes time to go back to normal, and in the meantime, those stretchy maternity sweatpants will be the only thing you want anywhere near your sensitive waistline and crotch. It could be days, weeks, or months. Maybe you’ll end up having children close in age and never really stop wearing your maternity clothes for a few years.
Don’t forget to pull out your favourite stretchy maternity leggings for holiday meals!
There is so much more I could add to this list, but let’s stop there. Gotta keep some things a surprise, right?
Do you have some golden nuggets of wisdom to add? Leave a comment below. And if you enjoyed this post, please share it with your fellow mombie friends!
Thanks for reading and sharing this!

Tashia C
January 24, 2020 — 5:54 pm
How true is all of this! LOL – Going in I had 1 damn plan, get that baby out safely. I was induced at 40 +6 weeks and even though I tried I couldn’t handle the back labour and opted for an epidural. My daughter didn’t like that, and we ended up in the OR for an emerg C-Section. I had a great team, truly blessed we have such technologies to help me and my little through. The part NOBODY told me about…. was the “recovery room wait” I got to see my baby for all of 5 seconds when they ushered my hubby to follow the nurse. I didn’t realise it would be a full hour before id meet her. I was literally alone with a nurse *who thankfully was a gem & did everything she could to keep my spirits high* blahh there is nothing simple about giving birth, but man is it ever worth it!
Kayleigh
February 1, 2020 — 3:23 pm
Oh that wait must have felt like a year, not an hour! I’m so thankful for medical options now too. Also being induced is tough on the body too. Amazing job getting through all that!
Subhashish Roy
January 24, 2020 — 5:49 am
This is such an authentic account for all to be mothers or those still in their planning stage. Forwarding to my niece who is expecting.
Kayleigh
January 24, 2020 — 5:23 pm
Thanks!
LuLu B - Calabrisella Mia
January 24, 2020 — 1:48 am
I haven’t been through labour myself but I was very much a part of my sister’s first pregnancy. This post would have been super helpful! I love your humour….how the worries change when you get to baby three! Haha Childbirth can’t be easy – props to all the moms!
Krystel |
January 23, 2020 — 11:59 am
LOL I LAUGHED SO MUCH. I absolutely love your raw honestly. But also, this sounds terrible
The Sunny Side Lifestyle Co.
January 23, 2020 — 11:14 am
You have perfectly summed up the reality of childbirth! Until you’ve lived through it it’s hard to imagine what it will be like. I’d advise going into it with an idea of what you hope for but the flexibility for things to change on a dime. Childbirth was like a marathon complete with an incredible high.
Kayleigh
January 23, 2020 — 7:56 pm
Yes, the high at the end of holding your baby is so worth it!
Ivana
January 23, 2020 — 10:11 am
That looks like a very informative post! If I come across mothers-to-be looking for info, I’ll share the link with them.
Dreams Abroad
January 22, 2020 — 3:35 pm
Great advice about labor and birthing. So much info and somethings I didn’t know about.
Luna S
January 22, 2020 — 10:37 am
With my first everything went pretty easily birth wise, but afterwards (I had to stay in bed for 24 hours due to low iron) it absolutely SUCKED when the nurses had to come in and push on my tummy to get out all of the clots, etc. It felt disgusting, it was painful and embarrassing. I think that is one thing I will never forget, no one prepares you for that.
Kayleigh
January 22, 2020 — 1:02 pm
Yes, that pushing on your tummy part is so hard! I have had low iron with every pregnancy. It sucks!
Lyosha
January 22, 2020 — 8:06 am
I love this post! So brutally honest and somehow calming. I have big plans for 2020 in baby terms so you post went right where it was needed
Kayleigh
January 22, 2020 — 1:03 pm
Aw glad to hear that! All the best in 2020 Lyosha!
Laura Linklater
January 22, 2020 — 7:13 am
Brilliant! I had a very hospital-y 1st birth (prem baby) and then 2 home births. I will never ever forget the homebirth student witnessing her first non medicated home birth when my 3rd was born last year… she helped me to the loo afterwards and told me with tears in her eyes that she would never forget this evening. 5 minutes later she was less excited when she had to fish a placenta out of my downstairs loo. 😂🤣 awkward.
Kayleigh
January 22, 2020 — 1:08 pm
Well that’s a neat story, getting to make such an impression on someone! I’m still trying to decide if I want to try to make it to the hospital or not… it’s about 20-30 mins away depending on traffic. My second child came 10 minutes after my water broke, so I’m a little nervous about having a road birth! I’m definitely this time going to at least plan for a homebirth being an option and have some things ready at home.
Yasinta
January 22, 2020 — 12:51 am
I never heard something so honest. Thanks for the post, they will do someday when I will be having my own baby.( but i don’t think I can withstand the pain).
Kayleigh
January 22, 2020 — 1:04 pm
You’d be surprised what you can handle. But the good news is that epidurals are totally a fine option too!
Kileen
January 21, 2020 — 9:53 pm
These are so awesome! It’s true that no matter how well you plan it goes right out the window!!
Kileen
cute & little
Kelly Martin
January 21, 2020 — 7:05 pm
It’s so refreshing to read such honest and realistic birth advice. Everyone’s experience is different and it doesn’t always go as planned. I think the key thing is to go with the flow and trust your body.
Kayleigh
January 21, 2020 — 8:11 pm
Yes, and along with trusting your body, also having a midwife/doula/OB there that you trust. It makes a huge difference too!
Scott DeNicola
January 21, 2020 — 2:38 pm
Well, I can’t begin to say that I know what it’s like to be in labor or give birth (as I’m a guy and all) but I was there for two births and from what I can tell you are right on the money. All those grand plans went right out the window. My wife was going to try natural childbirth until the nurse said to her, “you don’t get a special award for not taking the epidural, so it’s your choice”. My take was your not in a field giving birth and going back to work right after like the “good old days” so take that shot and give me one while you’re at it. We went to Lamaze classes and breathing seemed to help to a degree but let’s face it what’s going on is pretty damn insane and I can’t see breathing my way through it. I give women 100% all the credit in the world for childbirth. You all are way stronger than men and I’m sure the human race would end if it were up to us to give birth. We can barely handle a cold let alone pushing another human out of our body! Very funny read.
Kayleigh
January 21, 2020 — 2:59 pm
It’s so true! Sounds like you played your role well and supported your wife the best you could. And yea, breathing only helps so much… with my second labour, since it revved up SO quickly (hence the unplanned home birth), by the end I was just wailing with no break between contractions. Breathing went out the window. I remember getting so mad at my midwife for telling me “remember to breathe,” ha!